This trip into the celeb couple’s Cheshire mansion is nowhere as real as they’d like you to believe. But their self-deprecation is hard not to enjoy

‘No one knows the real Rooneys,” says Coleen Rooney at the start of her family’s new reality-TV series, The Real Rooneys. “This is a side of us we’ve never shown before.” Coleen and her husband, ex-footballer Wayne, have had their personalities dissected in the tabloids every week for the past two decades; now we’re promised the truth. But how real can The Real Rooneys be?

There are two obvious problems here, the first being that the Rooneys’ lives feel like fiction: he was a generational sporting talent, a one-in-a-million player whose success has bought him and Coleen a ridiculous Cheshire mansion with a cinema, indoor pool and adjacent football pitch. To get back to the road you have to drive over a bridge across a lake. As we join them, Coleen is working out how to capitalise on a recent appearance on I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!, while Wayne is plotting an uptick in his media appearances that he hopes will make him a regular on Match of the Day. Technically, the Rooneys exist on our Earth, but – as they both admit, recalling their working-class childhoods in Croxteth, Liverpool – they have left ordinary life behind.

His on-pitch triumphs (and off-pitch scandals), her turn as Wagatha Christie … for years, the football power couple have made headlines, despite efforts to keep their lives private. So why are they now about to reveal all on screen?

“If you’d said to me 10 years ago, ‘You’re going to be doing a TV show about the family’, I would have said, ‘No chance’,” Wayne Rooney says. Few would have disagreed. After all, he and his wife Coleen had spent their adult lifetime running away from the public gaze. And not very successfully, at that.

Wayne, a wonderful footballer with the strength of a bull and agility of an acrobat, was often back-page news. He scored 253 goals for Manchester United (overtaking Bobby Charlton’s record), 53 for England (the record until Harry Kane surpassed him in 2023), is still England’s youngest goal scorer (17 years and 317 days), won five Premier League titles, was twice young player of the year and was voted player of the year by both his peers and football journalists in 2009/10.

We hear so much about Victoria Beckham being funny, but it’s Wagatha Christie villain Vardy who delivers the real quips and zingers

The first I knew of Rebekah Vardy was when she appeared after more dots than anybody has ever used before, in the whodunnit denouement of Wagatha Christie. “It’s .......... Rebekah Vardy’s account,” read Coleen Rooney’s bombshell statement, instantly transforming her frenemy into a household name.

Turns out no PR is bad PR though, because seven years and a long-running legal feud later, villain of the piece Vardy has a primetime TV show on ITV1. I probably wouldn’t hold your breath for flowers or chocolates though, Col, even if reviewers hadn’t given The Vardys such a kicking.