A game is not a moral exemption to your usual self. Sometimes the best way to puncture ‘it’s just a game’ is to show people that you’re judging them in reality

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My sister-in-law is nearly 40 but cannot handle losing at board games. No matter how high or low the stakes, she has to win. When she doesn’t, she becomes explosive with rage, and often upends the game, sweeps dice off the table, or storms off in a rage. She is otherwise a normal and lovely person, with whom I get on very well. Seeing this side of her makes me deeply uncomfortable and it feels really childish and inappropriate. Will she behave that way with me if I say or do something she doesn’t like?

I think in an effort to smooth the tension, my husband’s family always laughs and teases her about her reaction. It’s like her “special little characteristic” that everyone pretends to love. I wish there was a way to address it but everyone seems to just sweep it under the rug. My husband is aware of how I feel about this.

Your friends may have had good intentions when making this request, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. But that needn’t dictate how you feel about it

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A friend, who I believe is financially comfortable, set up a GoFundMe page to pay for vet bills for their sick dog while on holiday overseas.

The family appears to be financially comfortable; both adults have good jobs, own two cars, have all the latest gadgets like expensive bikes and sporting equipment, take an annual holiday overseas and domestic holidays throughout the year, and live in a big house in a well-to-do area.

Don’t be afraid to speak your desires aloud, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. These are pretty normal, humble things to want

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I’m in my late 60s, divorced three years ago. I’m now in a relationship with a man I really like and would love to see it continue to develop, however it feels more like a “situationship”.

It’s been three months so far, the attraction was instant and strong and felt very promising. We see each other on weekends, which he has stated works for him (partly because he lives an hour away). I’ve told him that I would like to spend more time together and, because of his response, I decided I’d ease off and see what happens. I know he likes me, we get on well and I also know he’s not seeing anyone else. The contact we have in between is sporadic and it’s usually me that initiates it. If he does, it’s very casual. Bottom line – I feel like I’m getting crumbs.

People often forget social rules when dogs are involved, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. But you’ll have to say something if you want things to change

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A good friend of mine stays with me regularly when she comes into town. She brings her husband and two dogs that don’t get along with my dog. They’ve “used the bathroom” in our house before. I try to be nice and help clean or pretend it doesn’t bother me so that they feel comfortable. But when she asks for a weekend to come back with everyone, I kind of dread it. I enjoy seeing her and she’s a great friend. I think our friendship would be better if she stayed somewhere else, but I would feel bad if she stayed in a hotel and I don’t think she’d visit as often. She cleans up after the dogs and whatnot, but I like my home to be my safe haven. This friend doesn’t handle confrontation well, but is understanding. What can I do to handle this?

Eleanor says: It sounds as though you’re in the jam we all get into when we try to smooth things over: you can have the social ease of pretending something is fine; or the outcome from confessing it isn’t, but not both simultaneously.

Instead of asking her to step away from her distress, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith, could you suggest she channel it into action?

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My wife is obsessed with everything that’s happening in the US. She literally spends all day sitting on the couch, watching videos and reading opinion pieces. She’s originally from America and has been living abroad for 25 years and she has family in the US, so I get that she needs to feel connected to what’s happening. But it’s constant. Whether we’re eating, watching a TV show or movie, when we’re talking about something completely unrelated – everything, every topic, either starts or ends with outrage.

I’ve told her she needs to take at least one day off all social media, but she won’t do that even for an hour. It stresses her out more and more every day, but she just keeps going back to it – and it has been really affecting me, more lately than ever. On weekends I stay up late playing games (my way of winding down after a week of work) and she’ll go to bed early. And during those times sometimes I just sit and cry. Everything that’s happening is so stressful, and there’s nothing we can do about it. I just wish I could rip away her phone and let her breathe! I don’t know what to say or do. Is there anything that could help?

You are not the only one, advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith writes. It will help to ask whether you have a time problem or a bandwidth problem

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I love my life in so many ways. I have a rewarding job, I’m making stellar progress towards a graduate degree, I have incredible friends and community, plus I’m even reconnecting with estranged family. My cup is very full but I still feel grief and shame for how much falls to the wayside.

I have missed countless doctors’ appointments. My vehicle’s license plates have been expired for almost a year. I often apologise to angry friends and acquaintances after they confront me for not seeing them in months. My significant other says she doesn’t see me enough. So do my parents. I clock out of work and shudder at the thought of facing my growing avalanche of text messages. I panic whenever I receive an email that demands I arrange yet another appointment or submit to a lengthy phone call. The stack of forms I’m overdue to submit makes me feel so irresponsible, as if I’m the only adult alive who can’t seem to take care of business.

The manosphere says this type of suffering is targeted neglect, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. But your suffering gives you the ability to make your part of the world better.

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I’m approaching 30 and I’m still a kissless virgin.

I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety since childhood and my family isn’t the most functional or supportive. I don’t really have friends either, as I find it hard to connect with others due to being bullied and feeling that I’m not worthwhile or wanted. I was also homeschooled from 14 and moved to a different part of the country at 15 and a few more times since then, so I feel quite rootless and alienated.

There’s a risk in trying to get our girls away from frilly skirts that we swing all the way to a different kind of enforcement, advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith writes

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I am the mother of a six-year-old girl, and I have relatively progressive views about gender. Among other things, I try to give my daughter a choice of clothes that are practical – T-shirts, leggings – and that tend to be unisex in colour scheme. There are no overly fussy and frilly skirts and dresses in pink and sparkles in her wardrobe. As much as possible, I try to buy non-sweatshop brands. These choices are part of a world system of values I want to show my daughter – that being a “girl” is so much more than just wearing a frilly dress; that we can have well-made things without contributing to the suffering of others.

My mother-in-law, on the other hand, loves buying these sorts of clothes for her granddaughter. She is a kind and caring woman, and this is one of her love languages. These clothes are often gauche, overly feminine, expensive and poorly made.

It’s kind of you to wonder if you should change the way things were left, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. But it’s possible his preference is already clear

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My dad died suddenly earlier this year, with no will, and I am unsure as to how I should distribute the estate. We are talking about very modest sums of money – about £5,000 (US$6,750, A$9,500) in total.

My dad was a very ethical person. While his death was unexpected, he had a sense it was coming. About six months before he died, he arranged for the disposal of many personal effects. The lack of a will, given his self-discipline and preferences for forward planning, is odd.

There are two things to consider, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Are you hurt by the way she treats you or the way she sees you?

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I’m struggling with a dynamic with my sister-in-law. We’re not a natural fit personality-wise, and I’ve tried to be mindful of that. At times I wonder whether she might be jealous of the life I have with her brother and our children. I often encourage my husband to spend time with her without me, because she doesn’t seem to particularly enjoy me being there. As a result, we now mostly see each other at family gatherings, which happen about once a month.

There’s a recurring pattern where she corrects me quite sharply, with an impatience that often feels disproportionate or plain mean. She might snap while I am talking to her parents (with whom I have a good relationship), laugh at how I pronounce a placename, or dismiss a question as though it’s too stupid to answer. These interactions are quick and barely noticeable to anyone else, although my daughter and husband have both observed and agreed it was pretty mean.

Self-doubt doesn’t respond to evidence, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Rather than disputing it, perhaps you could engage in a different way

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A close friend of mine is suffering with crippling self-doubt and it’s starting to take a strain on our relationship. We’ve been friends for eight years. She is such a bright, bubbly and charismatic person who has an infectious ability to make people laugh and feel welcome; but she also has a really low opinion of herself and, as her friend, I am the one who always gets the brunt of her negative self-talk. After every social event she will message me to ask if I think she has annoyed someone, or that she spoke too much, or that she embarrassed herself. In private conversations she is constantly putting herself down, calling herself fat, apologising for nothing and generally claiming she’s not good enough.

I love her and constantly reassure her that her thoughts have no grounding but, after years of this, I am tired. I’m starting to enjoy our time together less and less, as I never know what mood she will be in or what she will say about herself. I would hate to hear anyone else speak about her in the way she does. I especially hate it when she says these things about herself.

There’s a difference between longing for the past and assuming it was better, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. The trick is knowing which you’re feeling

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Is nostalgia a negative emotion? I often feel nostalgic these days. It is a background noise that I am trying to ignore.

It was especially present during the pandemic, when my nostalgia seemed to spread into a species of grief for lost places and activities. I find myself thinking sadly about places I won’t be able to visit for a very long time.

To stay open-hearted and optimistic, you need hope, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. That’s not the same as expectation

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I’m nearly 30 and my first serious relationship just ended a month ago. It lasted eight months, she was my first girlfriend and first kiss, etc. She broke up with me in a very kind and respectful way, and I have been … OK, I guess.

The thing is, everyone has been saying to me, “But you must feel so much more confident now.” I don’t. My self-esteem and confidence wasn’t exactly soaring before I met her, but now I feel even less so. It just feels like most people are less tolerant or accepting of my shortcomings.

The more unusual you are, the more unusual it is to find people like you, advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith writes. With time, her world will expand

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Our teen daughter is a deeply sensitive, perceptive kid who longs for close friendship but often feels sidelined; she reads slights quickly, ruminates and compares herself harshly. Her 16th birthday was heartbreaking: the in-person warmth and social-media love she expected didn’t materialise, and she’s crushed. We try to parent with empathy and backbone, validating her feelings while nudging her towards agency: widening her circles, getting busier and repairing frayed ties without begging for approval.

But how do we wisely accompany a teenager whose self-worth is repeatedly tested by imperfect peers (in her mind at least) and the distortions of online recognition? What practices, language and boundaries help a highly sensitive adolescent convert disappointment into dignity and build friendships rooted in mutual regard rather than constant self-surveillance?

You might hurt him terribly in the short term, Eleanor Gordon-Smith writes. But sometimes sparing people pain isn’t what’s good for them

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I am deeply conflicted about whether to separate from my husband of 20 years, yet I am deeply burnt out from supporting him. He arrived as a refugee, spoke little English at the time, is from a very different culture to mine and has, as yet, untreated ADHD and PTSD. After much coaxing he agreed to couples counselling but we have now exhausted two therapists to no avail.

If I decide to separate I know that I will be far more supported by friends and family than he will be.

You don’t have to force passion about a role you find boring, writes Eleanor Gordon-Smith. And it could help by asking if work has to be meaningful at all

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After six months of unemployment following redundancy, I am re-entering the workforce. Initially I set out to change my career completely but that hasn’t transpired. I have spent the last half a year being present with my kids, attending school activities, baking, exercising, reading and staying on top of household chores. At times I’ve felt bored, but ultimately having one parent home has made for a smoother, simpler life.

I’m heading back to work so we can keep finances flowing. But now that I’ve had my time out, it all feels so lacklustre. Reading LinkedIn makes me feel ill – the AI slop, the bombastic words. I keep thinking: do people really care about this?

He’s decided he wants to be with her, writes Eleanor Gordon-Smith – this means choosing between what feels fair and what’s best for your relationship

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My parents got divorced four years ago, at which point my brother and I were both in our 40s, and our parents almost 70. They broke up after my mother discovered that my dad had been having an affair. The feeling of letdown was enormous, as if our father had suddenly become this person we didn’t recognise. He had always taught us to be fair and honest, and this made us question everything.

My brother and I have made a lot of effort to keep him included in our lives since then, especially for the sake of his grandchildren. However, we’ve only had one demand – that we get to see him alone. The Other Woman still feels like the cause of the breakup of our family. I feel an enormous amount of hurt and resentment about the lies and deceit, but I’ve made a conscious effort to not wipe out his positive impact on my life up to that point.

How you respond will depend on who expects you to manage your sister’s emotions, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Is it her, or something you’ve put on yourself?

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I’m engaged and my sister is single and feels “behind”. Lately she mentioned how the people in her life (me included) going through milestone moments triggers her. She even got upset and admitted she was worried she’d never have kids. What can I say to that? How do you comfort someone who wants the things you have or might have soon?

She has felt behind for a long time, and I’ve had many a conversation with her when she’s got upset about still living at home, still not having the career she wants, etc. But she is still in the same situation, and my empathy is running low. Especially now I know my engagement is triggering for her! I deserve to feel happy during my wedding planning era but after she told me how she felt, I feel guilty for being happy.

I guess my question is: do I tiptoe around her and avoid wedding talk or should she just put a smile on her face and talk to her friend about her triggers? I hate to say it but my mental load is preferring the latter.

Eleanor says: Why are the options that you tiptoe around or she puts a smile on her face?

Maturity has little to do with watching things you don’t want to, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. But it might help to be curious about why you feel differently from your peers

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I’m 17, and feel like a sore thumb among my peers due to my aversion to almost everything stereotypically adult. I don’t want to consume drugs or alcohol, I’ve never been in a relationship and, in particular, I’m very sensitive to graphic content.

Earlier this year, I tried to warm myself up to several films featuring either explicit violence or sex, but a part of me felt uncomfortable beyond what was probably intended by the film-makers. The entire time, it felt as if I was pushing down my real self. After consuming various media, I quit the process of numbing myself, retreating back to only films and television with “moderate” or “mild” classification ratings.

It sounds like you both see sex the same way, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith – and perhaps that’s part of the problem

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My husband and I have been married for five years and are having trouble with our sex life. From the beginning of our marriage (we only started having sex after marriage) I wanted sex more frequently than him. In the first year or so of marriage we’d have sex two to three times a week which I enjoyed, although sometimes hoped for more.

A few years into our marriage my husband had a very stressful time at work. Sex dropped to roughly once a week, typically on the weekends. He picked up running to help deal with the stress and really enjoyed it.